


but i'm happy

by johnyongclub



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Moving On, Past!Johnyong, Sleep Paralysis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:00:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27383836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnyongclub/pseuds/johnyongclub
Summary: if he lets yukhei go now, then he wouldn't have to carry his weight.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 70





	but i'm happy

**Author's Note:**

> here is my luyong debut fic!!! some things to note:
> 
> \- mentions of depression  
> \- mourning
> 
> i wanted to bring up the topic of how someone struggling with their mental health would more often than not feel like a burden to the people around them, especially their loved ones. it's something that i face and i'm sure a lot of other people do as well. i hope you remind yourself that you are not a burden and those who love you will never think of you as one.

_ one _ .

taeyong inhales. exhales. he can't breathe.

_ two _ .  _ three _ .  _ four. _

there's only silence save for the ringing quietness piercing through his eardrums. his eyes move and he could see the darkened room but every muscle in his body is frozen. he couldn't move a single finger, let alone sit straight up so he could breathe properly.

_ five _ .

the door opens and taeyong feels a wave of relief when he sees yukhei, who immediately rushes over to him the moment he notices that taeyong is in yet another episode. taeyong feels him take his hand and he hears him whisper against the shell of his ear, soft and quiet.

"close your eyes, baby," yukhei whispers, his fingers stroking taeyong's hair back, not minding the way sweat made his bangs stick to his forehead. "you're here and you're safe and i'm here to make sure you're safe."

he does as instructed, closing his eyes as he tries to focus on his breathing and yukhei's voice. his sleep paralysis usually comes whenever yukhei has to be out until late, almost as if it knows taeyong would be alone with no one to guide his breathing, no one to remind him that he isn't dying. 

his eyes open slowly and yukhei is still whispering into his ear. his breathing evens out but taeyong still can't move and through his peripheral vision, there's a familiar shadow of a figure he knows all too well.

it approaches him and he quickly shuts his eyes, afraid of what he would see even though he already knows. he has seen this a few too many times. 

taeyong suffers a five year-long predormital sleep paralysis and his monster comes in the form of his dead ex-fiance.

  
  


* * *

  
  


it didn't start until a couple of months after johnny died in an accident. the tragedy struck taeyong like tonnes and tonnes of bricks dumped onto him, bringing him down like a limitless weight that broke his heart into small, shattered pieces.

he was rendered useless after hearing the news, grateful that johnny's family had been the one to arrange the funeral and had stayed with him until they had to leave and continue on with their lives. it had seemed cruel then, that they had a life to go back to when his died the moment johnny took his last breath. 

depression was next and it came quickly. he wasn't diagnosed but it was clear in the way he had lost appetite and sleep, lacked any sort of motivation to get up in the morning. it didn't surprise him; he doubted anyone would be able to after losing the person they thought they'd spend their lives with.

and they were going to spend their lives together. johnny had proposed three months prior but they'd already had an apartment together since after they finished college, a home they built slowly even before the idea of marriage had occurred to them. it didn't seem to matter, they both had thought. it was just a label but they'd finally decided to put that label on.

after, when he was alone in an empty apartment that stopped feeling like home, taeyong had his first episode. he was falling asleep finally, having spent nearly three days without a proper one, but that's when he saw johnny. standing in the corner of their room, silent and forlorn, as if he was sad.

taeyong had tried to speak but he couldn't move and he couldn't breathe and he'd thought he was going to die. for a brief moment, he had thought it would do him a favor anyway, that maybe if he died, he would see johnny again.

he fell asleep instead and woke up in the morning only to spend an entire day crying, clutching johnny's sweater that still smelled a little like him.

it wasn't until his best friend, doyoung, brought him to the clinic that he was diagnosed with sleep paralysis as well as depression. even through therapy and treatment, the episodes didn't stop entirely. 

and it wasn't until he met yukhei, at twenty-eight years old, that the episodes stopped for a few months at a time. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


the sky is promising another storm, gray clouds covering the sun and casting a darkened hue over the world. it doesn't stop taeyong from driving all the way out to the cemetery for his monthly visit, a bouquet of sunflowers to leave on the bed of johnny's final resting place. he had religiously done so in the last five years and until a year ago when he had met yukhei, he had gone to visit johnny alone.

yukhei insisted to keep him company, even before they started dating and taeyong didn't really want to say no. at first it had felt like he had betrayed johnny but doyoung was there to remind him that johnny had been gone for nearly five years and that it was okay. 

now he crouches by johnny's grave, yukhei offering to hold the umbrella over his head as it began to drizzle. he feels calm, despite last night's episode. if anything, it had made him want to visit johnny even more. he smiles as he touches the tombstone, caressing his name.

"i saw you again last night," taeyong whispers. "your flowers died out so i brought you new ones. i hope you like them, johnny. i miss you."

he stays that way for another minute or two, looking up to find yukhei waiting. it's one of the things he loves about his boyfriend; yukhei had never rushed him, always waiting by his side whenever he pays johnny a visit, not a single complaint even when taeyong took a little too long.

"should we get going?" taeyong asks as he stood, hooking a hand over yukhei's arm. "i'll prepare lunch when we get home."

yukhei smiles, "are you ready to go? we could just order something and have a lazy day. what do you think?"

"that sounds good," taeyong nods as they make their way back to the car. 

the ride home is silent, as it usually is every time taeyong leaves the cemetery. yukhei understands so he doesn't try to start a conversation, letting taeyong have the moment to himself. he looks over at yukhei now, focusing on the road as he drives them home. 

there are many things to appreciate about the younger male. taeyong feels lucky and grateful that their paths had crossed and they came into each other's life. he likes to think that it was meant to happen one way or another, whether or not he had been late to his therapy session that day and bumped into yukhei on his way. 

he feels lighter somehow, so he smiles and reaches over to brush back yukhei's hair. "thank you."

yukhei frowns though his lips still twitch into a smile, clearly confused. "what are you thanking me for?"

taeyong takes a moment to think through this. what is he thanking yukhei for? there are far too many reasons so he settles with saying, "for everything."

  
  


* * *

  
  


the next time taeyong has an episode, yukhei is right next to him. he had been close to falling asleep, drifting in and out of slumber before he realized his limbs are frozen again, his breathing shallower until his chest starts to hurt. he doesn't see johnny this time and when yukhei finally woke up and helped him out of his paralysis, taeyong is crying. 

he cries and he cries into yukhei's chest. he cries for the loss of his first love, he cries for the loss of his peaceful sleep, he cries because he's grateful yukhei is here with him, that yukhei hadn't left no matter how difficult it could get. he cries because he's tired of pain.

he just wants to be whole again.

after, as he laid in yukhei's arms, calm and a little more collected, he buries his face into the younger's neck and inhales, wanting to remember how he smells like, wanting this moment to last for a lifetime. what strength would he have left if he lost yukhei too?

"i'm sorry," he says quietly, whispered into yukhei's skin as he latches himself to the boy. "i'm so sorry."

yukhei hushes him, a large palm sliding up and down his back in assurance. "hey, hey, there's nothing to be sorry for, hyung. everything's okay. you're okay."

"you shouldn't have to deal with me," taeyong says then, pulling back to look up at his boyfriend. "i'm sick, yukhei. i'm sick and you shouldn't have to deal with it."

"baby," yukhei shakes his head, frowning at him. "i want to. i chose to when i stayed the day you told me everything. we met at a therapy center! i'm not trying to fix you, i just want to be here with you."

taeyong hurts in his heart. there's an unexplainable weight that comes with his condition, made to feel like a burden to the people who love him. it was johnny before, when he was suffering a bad case of anxiety that lasted too long and it is yukhei now, who had to lose sleep whenever he suffers an episode, triggered by the great loss of someone who was dear to him. 

and when will it stop? when will his state of mind allow him to love and be loved without guilt? yukhei shouldn't have to suffer with him.

he's silent for a moment, pressed up against yukhei's side and on the verge of making a decision he knows without a doubt he would regret. if he lets yukhei go now, then he wouldn't have to carry his weight.

his burden would be just his to carry.

as if he could read taeyong's mind, yukhei gives his shoulders a squeeze. "pushing me away isn't going to help me, hyung. i'll walk away if you really want me to, if you think that's good for you. but i'm not going to abandon you and i'm not going to let you be alone."

a tear rolls down across the bridge of his nose, warm against his skin and wetting the ear he's laying on. yukhei is right, of course. he doesn't want yukhei to be gone, he needs him here, a rock to keep him grounded, a life jacket to keep him from drowning. 

"i don't want you to go," taeyong says finally, quiet and small against yukhei's chest. "i love you. i don't ever want you to leave me."

"and i won't," yukhei reassures him, a hand raised to card his fingers through taeyong's hair. "i'll be here for as long as you want me to be."

taeyong nods, unable to stop the next flow of tears as he once again hides his face into yukhei's neck. he cries again because he knows this isn't going to end and he cries because he knows that it'll make him feel better after, that it won't end but at least he has yukhei.

and maybe that's enough to make it okay.

  
  


* * *

  
  


taeyong dreams of johnny that night, for the first time since johnny had passed. it wasn't an episode and taeyong could move, could breathe. johnny's by the window in the kitchen, enjoying a cup of coffee. there's tranquility in the moment, taeyong finds endearment in his heart, a forever love he would always feel for johnny.

but yukhei resides where johnny used to.

he feels almost bad for it but johnny is smiling, looking at peace. had he found it, then? taeyong wonders.

"do you know what i missed more than anything?" johnny speaks up, sighing as he places the mug down. 

taeyong tilts his head in question, wondering. 

"what is it?"

"coffee," johnny laughs, and it prompts taeyong to do the same. when they calm from the shared laughter, johnny's smile is fond. "and i miss you, obviously. but i'm happy."

it strikes taeyong speechless but the blooming joy he feels in his chest is liberating. "are you really?"

johnny nods, smiling still. "i am. i know you are too."

taeyong mirrors johnny's smile then. in this version of reality, it feels definite. happiness. there's no question that he's happy, no doubt of the truth in it. he is happy. he is no longer mourning. 

"are you happy that i am?" he asks, a curiosity that had crossed his mind once or twice.

johnny's smile softens as he nods again, "i am."

his face blurs out soon after and taeyong's panic dissipates when he remembers that this is a dream. johnny isn't here. johnny is far, far away. 

but johnny is happy and taeyong doesn't feel guilty.

  
  


* * *

  
  


"are you nervous?" yukhei asks as they make their way up the porch of his parents' house, seeming more agitated and nervous than taeyong feels.

he nods, because he is, but he's excited too. "are you sure they'll like me? what if they think i'm not a good fit?"

yukhei scoffs, turning around so his body fully faces taeyong. he raises his hand to fix the stray strand of hair that's gotten into taeyong's eyes, fingers brushing over the older's chin. taeyong smiles, warm both inside and out as he leans into his boyfriend's touch.

"if they don't like you, it's honestly their loss." yukhei says, his hands sliding down each of taeyong's arms to take his hands. "but they will, don't worry about it. what's not to like about you?"

taeyong rolls his eyes, unable to hide the smile that stretches at his lips. his heart is beating hard and fast against his chest, nervous about finally meeting yukhei's parents. they'd flown all the way from seoul to hong kong for this so if it doesn't go well, taeyong knows for certain that their planned vacation would be affected, if he knows himself at all.

"i can cook," taeyong adds quickly, "they'll like that i make sure you don't miss a meal, won't they?"

yukhei laughs, nodding before he leans over to press a kiss to taeyong's forehead. "yeah, they'll be happy to know you're taking good care of me."

taeyong smiles, reassured enough for his heart to slow down. his cheeks feel warm but he steals the moment to get what he needs to feel completely at ease and he does so by leaning up and pressing a kiss to yukhei's lips, slowly and softly licking into his mouth.

"i love you," he whispers into the kiss, slowly leaning back on his heels as their eyes meet.

yukhei's smile is warm and he kisses taeyong once more. "i love you too. are you ready?"

taeyong nods and he watches as yukhei presses the doorbell. the door opens and taeyong thinks everything is going to be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> twitter is johnyongclub if you wanna be friendssss


End file.
